A Proper Battle (A Telltale Heart Parody) (written 2020)

IT’S TRUE! OF COURSE IT IS! I SAVED US, I TRULY SAVED THIS CAMP! But why will you not celebrate with me, why must you be so sour? So dour all of the time you cannot see that I have done our world a favor. Can you not see that I am perfectly aware of the results of my actions? Off my rocker? Look what I have done; for me, for you, for all of posterity! Indeed, my victory has properly aligned my good character. My inspired deeds have occasioned the repetition of my story, so as to prove you all have gone absolutely bonkers. Through my own pluck and mettle, I have gained the power of a thousand kettles! I must report, in this latest expedition I have gained a power mightier than your bloody concerns!

If you would just listen, listen, listen to me! Listen and you will see. By George, if you do not open your bloody ears you will never understand just how sound as pound I may well be!

So, sent to the states I was, where I was to collect information on the North American Eastern Screech Owl. Truthfully colleagues, I could not tell you when she entered the picture. I did not want her status. I assure you, I am quite delighted with my status at the university. I did not want her life. Life in England is absolutely fit as a fiddle. I presume I wanted my life, uninterrupted by the parallel existence of hers. And I assure you, though a city lad, I know nature is a wonderful thing! Why, nature is the very root of our studies of course! She, however, is grossly unnatural and her coexistence began to distract me. Don’t you see? It was her life or my job; ever since our first encounter, she made that much perfectly apparent. 

There I sat, the morning of June 24, minding my own business in the outhouse of the campsite. You see, I mind my own business. Her problem is that she cannot. As I reached for the biodegradable paper to cleanse myself, the dirtiest of encounters occurred. You should have been there! As I reached for the toilet paper, I turned my head and who did I see? None other than Her, Bertha, sitting on a bulbous mass of webs right where my Charmin Ultra Soft Disposable Hygiene Wipes were meant to be. Where she put those wipes, I will never know, but her theft truly damaged my movements. 

And of course, you would think she would move when I asked, rather kindly I might add, as any rational creature might. Right? Well, there she remained on her seven and a half legs. Stick thin legs, holding up a fat greedy body on her makeshift web. Surely the half leg should’ve warned me about my peer’s history. But, you know I like to see the best in others! You can observe that I am a good lad. 

Bertha, however, had the gall to look me in my eyes, her eight beads to my two, and prod. And prod and prod and poke. That day I think she saw more of me than I may even have seen of myself! You may think I was afraid in that moment, but I assure you I was not. I feel quite secure in the status of my own soul. So, Bertha looked into my fair green eyes and prodded and prodded through the depths of my strong spirit. I sensed her eyes shudder like a camera zooming into focus and knew she was returning to this world, to the encounter between us. I determined then that leaves would suffice my needs; of course, any seasoned film critic understands leaves to be nature’s toilet paper. 

Well, as it happens, over the next few days I miraculously had no use for the toilet. Fantastically, my body had evolved in a manner which permitted my never entering the toilet again. Do not mistake this gift with anything less! Surely, the Queen had smiled upon me. 

For seven days and seven nights there was never a moment I felt the urge to use the restroom, truly it was a gift. However, on that eight morning the desire to cleanse myself of the forest did arise, I was truly at the end of my tether.

And so, I looked up to the heavens and envisioned the roof of the outhouse. Could this be the limits of her world? This certainly would not become the limits of mine. I could see silk webs she had weaved over the days of my absence. Between myself and the heavens lay a thick layer of proteinaceous white filled with the corpses of smaller spiders and animals. And while I know you lads wouldn’t touch this mess with a bargepole, I am not one to miss the wood for the trees. Her life muted the blissful screeches of the owls, her noise blocking me endlessly from my natural focus. 

I knew then what I must’ve known when we first encountered one another, I must close my hand. I must clench my fist and squeeze and stifle this display of counter-power. Clearly she wanted my power, though I never needed hers, don’t you see how inconvenient her existence had become? I felt her eyes bear through me, black as Newgate’s knocker.

So, I devised to catch her off her guard. Thus, I naked as a newborn babe in the shower carefully, slowly grabbed my shampoo with one hand as I plucked her from her perch with the other. And with that concealed bottle I slowly, gloriously threw down my bottle on the throne of carcasses she had stashed behind my soap. I cannot conceal from you the pure ecstasy of that moment. Watching her watching me destroy all that she had worked to build. Watching the dust of pulverized carcasses float away in the steam of the running water.

Of course, this was my opportunity, as she turned her yellow body to face me, I anticipated her next move; I could feel it. I could feel her eyes still fixed upon my own, I could feel each nerve tingle as I closed my fingers around her little, mangy body. As she crunched, she screamed. I know she screamed and I reveled in her misery. Yet, all victories do not come without cost, of course I understand that! And as my fingers squeezed the breath out of her cephalothorax, the screams of thousands filled the air. Indeed, do you know what happened?

I had induced labor! There I stood, looking as if I had been in the wars, as she let loose thousands of tiny babies into the wind. Isn’t that a wonderful thing? That with her death there could be so much life? That so many other Berthas might exist in this world, all because I killed their mother? Never before had I been so acutely aware of my powers than that moment. I created life with my own hands! I am the Creator.

So, don’t you understand I have done the world a favor? Why do you sit there like a donkey given strawberries? I have restored order to our outhouse and I for one, believe nothing short of praise is due for the kindness I have done us all. Now, we may all focus on our owls, that is of course, so long as we avoid the outhouse for the time being.